How I’m attempting to free myself from my emotions…
n
I don’t think I’m alone when I say I’ve been struggling with anger, resentment, anxiety, and fear. Recently these negative emotions have been overwhelming me, holding me down, adding heaviness to my heart. I’ll be honest and say that at times I feel so broken and hopeless and worthless that I just want to curl up like a tiny storybook woodland creature inside a whimsically-decorated hollowed out tree trunk and sleep for six months under seventeen handmade quilts. YKTV.
nn
We all have our own struggles, our own pain-points that cause these emotions to build up. For me, it’s the stress of not having a “real” job. There are many sides to just that one issue, such as a fear of stagnating, not having enough money, being stuck at home and burdening my parents forever. Another issue that has caused me much grief earlier this year was dealing with heartbreak. My heart has been through it, y’all. She’s battered and beaten, but still beatin’.
nn
When I look at my life and then I look at what I want my life to be, the pictures are not lining up. This causes me so much anxiety because I’m not where I think I should or want to be. I think the first step to finding some semblance of peace in this mess is letting go of that image and focusing on what is. I need to be happy in this moment, find joy in this season of life; I can’t let the woulds, coulds, shoulds, ifs, or wishes eat me up inside.
nn
Why would I want to suffer more? Why put myself through extra agony when I’ve already been through so much? As hard as it is to do, I need to let go of these negative feelings because it’s only harming me. And that’s what I mean by “freeing myself.” I need to untwist the coiled vines of regret, anger, resentment, anxiety, fear, sadness, distress and untangle myself for my own good. No one is coming to save me.
nn
And when I say I’m trying to free myself from my emotions, I don’t mean I’m trying to become some impassive, cold-blooded person with a thousand gates of stone and steel built up around myself for protection. Not only is it impossible to be a human and not feel, it’s not even something I want. All I need is to find ways to trim back the vines so I’m not constantly getting pricked by thorns, and so I can let the sunlight in.
nn
There will always be negative emotions, even at the high points in my life. But I don’t want to live in a way where I’m constantly overwhelmed and on the brink of breaking down in my car or in the shower or late at night when I can’t sleep. I need to find peace, or more accurately, create peace.
nn
Letting go is extremely hard for me. Sometimes it can be validating to hold onto these emotions because at least there’s something to grab onto. If I release my grip, what will keep me secure? I’m scared of floating away like a lost balloon because I don’t know what peace feels like. So instead I’m enduring the pain of my hands cramping and burning and sweating from holding on instead of falling into something that will be better for me, all because of my fear of being unbound.
nn
But that feeling of being untethered is what’s going to be so freeing once I finally get there. Not being beholden to negativity or angst, not letting little things bother me, just living my life as me, will give me a level of peace I have not yet known. And I can’t wait to get there.
